5/7/13

I should be doing my homework, but I feel like talking about my day. It was interesting, abnormal at least. Let’s just say my day started at school. My girlfriend had an AP test so we didn’t spend the morning together like usual. I sat in the auditorium all alone. It felt like I wasn’t even there, like I was a fly on the wall. I reached into my bag and started to read my favorite book, my bible. I don’t mean the super big one that influenced millions. I mean Siddhartha, that book is my bible; whenever I need some spiritual guidance I read it.

Reading my bible helped me in the morning and had me thinking about my position in life.

Then I went to computers, also known as listen to music and read emails class. We are supposed to be practicing pen tool, when it got complicated I just traced the lines with the pencil instead and called it a day.

Then I went to physics. If there is one thing that gets me angry, it’s not knowing or understanding something. My physics teacher asks the dumbest questions, or at least that is just how I hear them. So when I get a question wrong just because my teacher did not phrase it in a way that I could think of the right answer, I got really mad. I tell him he asks dumb questions, he said I didn’t understand, I repeated myself, he repeated himself, I repeated myself louder; he’s really lame so when kids acts up he pulls out a yellow card. He said I have a yellow card, and for a while I have been fantasizing about him saying that while he has a yellow shirt so I can say “you have a yellow shirt.” Well my lucky day, he had a yellow shirt on. I could have left it alone, but saying that slick come back really satisfied me no matter how little impact it had. So after I say “yea well you have a yellow shirt, who cares?” I got sent into the hallway. When I leave he said something to the class that really stuck in my mind and messed with my whole day. He told the class “just get it right and be quiet.” He comes out into the hallway and tells me to start doing better in class so I won’t have anything to complain about. Whatever. I walked back in and fell asleep.

Then I go to lunch and eat my nutella and cashews sandwich, that was so good. My best friend, who sits with me, and his girlfriend, who sits with me, were not talking so it was quiet and awkward. After eating my sandwich I remembered I had to see my consoler, so I went to see her. Some random lady helped me sign up for the ACT retake because my consoler is always too busy. When I was in the office I felt really weird. I was just quiet and stiff. I do what I had to do and paid for the ACT but apparently it’s free and all I had to pay for was the late fee, since I didn’t know the deadline was over until the deadline was over. I feel dumb because “waver” to me meant I am allowed to take the test, not it’s free. I sit in the ladies cubicle while she talks on the phone and gets me a refund.

While waiting, I was staring at her fish. It was awesome. I started to think about if the fish knows how small it is in this universe. I wondered if the fish knows of the existence of fish free in the ocean. I started to think about how I think I somehow matter when I am just a single mass of matter in the earth, one of possibly an infinite amount of planets where the are more than likely almost identical planets to earth. I started to think about how I am like the fish, just floating around in a 12″ by 8″ (roughly) plastic case with a filter and some skeletons and purple rocks. I thought about how the fishes existence is more beautiful than mind. I thought about if the fishes consciousness was more sophisticated than mine. The fish was gorgeous, I wish I could have watched it forever. I felt the water works coming on as I was watching it.

As soon as I left the office I felt so isolated and anxious, I was terrified. I sat down at the lunch table and after my friends asked me what was wrong tears came to my eyes. Right when that happened it was time to leave so as I walked out of the lunchroom I started to cry and my friend saw but I said it was nothing, later when she saw my eyes after English class she asked if it was my allergies, I said yes; I don’t have allergies.

So there I am, an isolated piece of mass in the hallway around a bunch of animals and existence’s I am ignorant of. I went to my locker and got my jacket and was going to leave. But I only went to two classes so far, I figured I would go to one more class and if I still feel crazy than I would leave.

I didn’t do anything that class. I just sat there. I didn’t cry the whole period so I felt okay to stay.

I went to history and went to sleep.

Then I went to English and started to freak out again. I heard a teacher talk about how aspirin can give kids this syndrom, I always have taken a bunch of aspirins and have bad health so I thought I would have something to blame it on, turns out I didn’t have what she mentioned. I didn’t pay attention all class. Half the class I just sat there. Then I started freaking out. I was looking at my hand and lost my mind over the fact that if I didn’t move my body I could still experience life. Then I felt like every one was a stranger, I thought my teacher was a robot and my classmates were alien man eating monsters in human bodies that if they found out I was there they would pull of their masks and eat my alive. Then I thought about my teachers asking me a question and I get it wrong and she shoots me in the head like it’s nothing. You ever hear about how people believe everyone in their life was cloned and replaced with strangers, that is exactly how I felt. Then I started to cry and snapped out of it. My teacher was talking about an art piece and everyone saw things I didn’t. Maybe it was a conceptual thing, or it was because I sit all the way in the back and have bad eye site. Either way I felt like I didn’t belong, as usual.

Then I went to music. That was just another day of music. I sat down and talked with my friend. It was interesting that the chorus teacher had a bible passage book marked and on his desk. Maybe he needed some spiritual guidance that day too.

After that class I left early. I only missed one class and I knew I wouldn’t do anything, as usual, there. Then I went home.

My girlfriend wondered why I cried. I couldn’t explain it then but I can now. When my teacher said “get it right and be quiet” it reminded me that I don’t belong in that school. Because I can’t get the questions right, and I can’t be quiet. I spend so much of my mind’s energy on trying to figure out life, and understanding my existence, and what I want to do with it, that I don’t have enough power left to worry about pen tools, motors and generators in physics, conjugations in Spanish, economic effect of the Vietnam war, what someone I REALLY trying to say in their excerpt from a book or something, how to play the flutophone, or whatever I am learning in Geometry, I don’t even know. I can’t figure ME out and seven different subjects a year, and plan for my future at the same time. Being told that my decisions matter but when I really think about it I realize nothing does, but then think about why I still care about my life when I shouldn’t. I don’t belong as a person concerned about my self, in a place where they want me to be concerned about everything but myself, but myself has to do it. It’s hard to comprehend a view that thinks that I belong in that building. Watching that fish put everything in perspective, but giving me questions. It was weird. -5/7/13